


Monster of Mine

by OddmentsandTweaks



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of morphine withdrawal, And in the episode he doesn't get one so I'm going to fix it!, Angst, Elliot Needs A Hug, Elliot gets the hug he needs, Elliot's POV, Extended Scene, Fear, Gen, Lonliness, Platonic Cuddling, Spoilers for episode 9, Unstable Character, bittersweet fic, extension of the 'I'm alone scene in ep.4, like really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OddmentsandTweaks/pseuds/OddmentsandTweaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m alone, I’m alone, I’m alone.” <br/>“No, you’re not.” <br/>No. It couldn’t be. There’s never anyone else. I’m always alone.<br/>“I’m not going anywhere kiddo.” <br/>I have never seen anyone ever look as good as Mr Robot does right now. I’m too tired, too sore. I can’t think any more. I just want someone. I know the look on my own face right now. I can’t put on my mask any more. My hands are shaking too much. I’m so tired. I’m scared. I’m scared of my monster. I want someone. Anyone. Even him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> This scene in the actual episode damn near broke my heart. I really, REALLY wanted him to be reassured given the state he was in and since what followed makes the whole thing even more heartbreaking when he's crying about being alone so I figured, why not extend the scene, let him have a bit of comfort at least for a little while. 
> 
> Elliot Alderson gives me a lot of feels and I would like to offer him a hug and this is the best I can do. I should say that the contact between Elliot and Mr Robot is entirely platonic here.

Everything was bright and dark, too full, too much noise, whispers, screaming, shadows and neon. 

Hello? Hello Friend?

Monster.

I jerked awake, the blood pounding in my ears like I’d run a fucking marathon. Was it over? Did I escape? Where was I? Was this another dream? 

 

A dream. 

 

It was just a dream.

 

My body hurts. Hurts in places I didn’t know I had, like the muscles are screaming under bruised flesh. My mouth is dry. I need water. Everything is swimming, everything hurts, my head won’t stop pounding. It’s unbearable.

 

It’s still not enough to stop noticing.

 

I always notice. 

 

Brain scratching so hard I can feel the blood pouring inside my head.

 

I’m alone.

 

Alone.

 

Alone in the shitty motel room they’d dragged me into. 

 

They left me. 

 

Abandoned. 

 

I’m alone

 

Something twists painfully in my chest. 

 

I’m always alone. Shit. I should be used to this. I’m not worth keeping around. Not worth staying with. Wasn’t that mom always said?

 

I should be used to this. This shouldn’t hurt. 

 

It’s like having a knife through me. 

 

Why I am so broken?

 

This loneliness is something I know too well, it’s like a second skin to me. 

 

But it hurts. 

 

Fuck. It hurts in the worst way. 

 

I don’t know how to delete this hurt, to quarantine this rogue program that runs through me like static, crackling and buzzing. A constant reminder. 

 

“I’m alone.” 

 

The words slip out of me, aloud, I think it’s aloud, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, you can hear me can’t you?

 

Hear my words and watch tears slip out of me. Shit. I’m so fucked. What’s wrong with me?

 

I hate this. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be alone. 

 

I don’t know how not to be. 

 

Everything hurts. 

 

Is it my monster?

 

This ever present shadow? It’s like it’s stalking me, hunting, preying, watching. 

 

I don’t know how to fight it. How to hide. 

 

Alone. I’m alone.

 

I can feel the sob in my chest that feels real. It surges like a malware file, infecting everything it touches. Me. I’m infected. I’m a rogue program. I’m corrupted.

 

I curl over and into myself, my arms are shaking, I can’t stop. I’m clutching my trembling knees. If I let go I feel like I’m going to shatter. I’ll be irretrievable. I want this to be another dream. I want Shayla. I want Flipper. I want to know Qwerty’s okay. 

 

I want someone.  

 

There’s no one. 

 

I can’t take it anymore. I can’t shut down. Can’t reboot. 

 

I’m frozen. 

 

Stuck juddering, a cycling loop. Trying to load reality. This is my reality. 

 

“I’m alone, I’m alone, I’m alone.” 

 

“No, you’re not.” 

 

No. It couldn’t be. There’s never anyone else. I’m always alone.

 

“I’m not going anywhere kiddo.” 

 

I have never seen anyone ever look as good as Mr Robot does right now. I’m too tired, too sore. I can’t think any more. I just want someone. I know the look on my own face right now. I can’t put on my mask any more. My hands are shaking too much. I’m so tired. I’m scared. I’m scared of my monster. I want someone. Anyone. Even him. 

 

There’s a look on my face that I can’t stop, can’t control. I know I look eight again, there’s hope that’s hit the start-up key. 

 

I am looking at him like he’s my own personal Jesus Christ. 

 

Shit.

 

Right now he actually is.

 

“Here kid,” Mr Robot hands me some water, I’ve gulped it down without thinking. So dry, so dry, so thirsty.

 

Mr Robot turned to take the glass back.

 

“Don’t go, please, don’t go.”

 

Shit. Did I say that out loud? I don’t know anymore but my voice doesn’t sound right. It’s higher pitched, I sound younger. Much younger. Am I a kid again? Am I still dreaming? I am so very lost. A lost file in a huge fucking data dump.

 

Why does Mr Robot seem so reassuring right now?

 

That asshole pushed me off the pier and nearly killed me. I don’t want him anywhere near me.

 

Yes I do.

 

I want. I want someone.

 

I’m alone. I don’t want to be alone.

 

Mr Robot sighed. “It’s okay kiddo.”

 

Okay?! I am pretty fucking far from okay. I can’t say all this. It doesn’t make sense. Alone. It’s so strong. It feels like I’m being crushed.

 

You can hear me. Help me. I need someone.

 

I can’t think anymore. I’m so scared. I’m alone. I hate it. I’m scared of my monster. It’s coming. 

 

“M-monsters.” I can’t stop shaking, I’m speaking, trembling aloud. “Monster. Please. Don’t. Don’t go, don’t want, not alone.” Shit. I’m actually begging.

 

Mr Robot’s looking at me. Running a hand over his face, considering me like I’m a difficult program he’s been landed with.

 

 I am difficult, I’m broken, I’m pathetic.

 

He’s going to leave me too. Good. I don’t want him. Alone. Yes I do. I, I, want, I’m sorry, you’re not enough. I thought you were but I need something, someone else, anyone else. Even him. I can’t be alone. Not now. I want my dog. My fish. I want Shayla.

I don’t want to be alone tonight.

 

It hurts. 

 

It hurts all over.

 

I can’t.

 

I don’t care he tried to kill me. He’s another person. A human. I need someone. Even him. 

 

Everything’s corrupted. 

 

I’m broken. 

 

Please. 

 

The bed dips. I jump, I wasn’t expecting this. Is he staying? Is this even real?

 

I’m still crying. The tears are hot against my face, dripping onto my crossed arms. Why can’t I stop? Lonely. Too lonely.  

 

I don’t understand what’s happening anymore, was I shot? Am I dying? Was it a dream? I want to sleep again. 

 

“Hey, hey it’s okay kiddo. Just me.” 

 

Just him. The man who tried to kill me. 

 

So why do I feel so safe with him?

 

He reaches out to me, I feel his hand touch my shoulder. The shoulder he touched last time. I should be disgusted, flinching back like it burns. 

 

I can’t control my reaction, it’s like I’ve been re-routed, diverted. I don’t know what I’m doing but I do. I do. Instinctive. It’s instinctive. I want this. I want company. I want to feel safe. I’m so, so tired. 

 

I’ve grabbed his jacket. Clinging like to it like a lifeline. Burying my face in his shoulder like it’s going to save me. This such bullshit. I should be kicking him away from me, calling him asshole. But I’m holding on for dear life. Why? What’s wrong with me?

 

Tell me what’s wrong.

 

“Please.” Before-

 

“Shh, kiddo, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” 

 

“No it won’t! It won’t! It hurts, it hurts.”

 

I don’t have the strength to be articulate. Only to hold on, I hide my face like a frightened child. He feels safe.

 

“I know ,but it will stop. I promise it’ll get better Elliot.” His voice is soothing in a way I've not heard in a long time. 

 

“Please.” I’m actually whimpering. Shit. I’m such a mess. 

 

I don’t know what I’m asking anymore. Fuck. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep. I don’t want to be alone. 

 

Mr Robot seems to know what to do. 

 

Shit. Why is he here? Why do I trust him? I don’t care anymore. 

 

I feel his arm around me, when did I lean so much into him? He’s so warm, there’s something familiar about him. I hold on harder, burying my face in his chest. I don’t understand. I don’t care. He’s here. I’m not alone. 

 

I’m crying into his jacket, it’s old and worn and scratches something at the edge of my mind but I’m too tired to focus. 

 

“Shh Elliot, come on, it’s just a bad dream, withdrawal’s a bitch. Come on, just lie back down.”

 

 He’s pulling me down, gently, firmly, I’m still holding on to him. 

 

“Just lie down, it’s going to be okay, I’ve got you kiddo, you’re not alone, I’ve got you. It’s okay.” 

 

I don’t know why but I trust him, trust that it’s going to be alright. There’s something in his voice that’s so sure. So confident. Maybe that’s why he’s the leader. He believes things and makes them happen. The designated adult. The father of the group. It’s comforting. More than I can say, more than I can tell you right now. He’s still got his arms around me. 

 

This is weird. It’s weird right? I shouldn’t be doing this, burrowed into his side, hand gripping his faded jacket, not with the man who tried to kill me but. But I feel so safe right now, like nothing can touch me. He’s holding me like a lost child. It’s soothing.

 

My monster’s been paused. It can’t get me. I’m safe. 

 

I’m with him. 

 

It reminds me of something so long ago, it’s foggy, misted. I can’t remember clearly but I remember feeling like this a very long time ago. Waking up in the night, scared. Frightened of monsters. Wanting to be told it was alright, that there were no monsters. That I was safe. I remember being told that, that it was okay, being held and told it’s alright, listening to the voice I trusted. Like now.

 

It’s similar, so similar. I can’t think, I’m so tired and the voice is there now and there’s a heartbeat and I’m not alone. 

 

Not alone. 

 

Safe. 

 

***

 

When Elliot awoke in the morning, Mobley and Romero had returned, Romero was working on some sort of horrendous smelling concoction. Mr Robot was looking over files. Acting normal. Getting ready to take on Steel Mountain. 

 

Elliot got up, heading for the bathroom, too groggy still to notice the pillows he’d been clinging to and the way the top blanket had been draped across him like a comforting arm. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So there we have it, a bittersweet fic as promised but I figured I should play into the fact that Elliot's brain is trying to remember but can't at the moment and that's why when he's comforted he's reminded of his father but he doesn't connect the dots yet...
> 
> I just really wanted him to feel comforted in that moment because I nearly hugged the tv when I saw episode 4 for the first time!
> 
> Please let me know what you think, Elliot is by far and away the hardest character I have ever written for so I hope I've done him justice!


End file.
